Insertion
by Fyrie
Summary: Lucius Malfoy runs into a strange creature in Knockturn Alley - “You’re not meant to try and kill me! I’m a self-insertion, dammit! You’re meant to fall madly in love with me because of my stunning good looks!”


Lucius Malfoy's nose wrinkled in distaste.

Even just a scant few moments in Borgin & Burkes left him feeling that his skin and clothing were coated in a barely-perceptible coating of primeval filth, which made his flesh crawl.

Brushing his robes down with a gloved hand, he stepped back into the familiar, grim streets of Knockturn Alley, a prolonged howl followed by a crash from a nearby side alley catching his attention, grey eyes narrowing.

Withdrawing his wand, he approached the opening, shielding his body with the lip of the wall, shooting a quick look around the narrow alley, which was deserted, but for a large piles of strategically-placed rubbish and...

A person?

Legs waving uselessly in the air, the thing seemed to have crash-landed head-first into the heap of rubbish and, after a few moments of struggling, fell onto it's derriere on the cobbles.

"Bugger me!" the...thing exclaimed, scrambling to it's feet. "It worked!"

'It' transpired to be a female and human, from what he could tell. 

About average height, she was wearing a shabby-looking, badly-dyed bathrobe, which looked like it had once been red due to the mottle patches showing through the black colouring. A cloth badge had been crudely stitched on the left breast.

The girl also had bushy, shoulder-length brown hair that would have looked more in place on the head of Potter's mudblood friend and a pair of glasses that looked like they had been sat on one too many times.

Wand in his hand, he stepped into opening of the alley. "And who," he murmured, ready to cast a hex if necessary. "Might you be?"

Pale blue eyes blinked at him. "Meguh...?" the person said, staring at him in a way that made him feel just the tiniest bit uncomfortable. It was almost as if she thought he was some kind of piece of chocolate.

She took a step towards him and Lucius snapped his wand up, directing at her chest, his lips pressing together. 

Wisely, he thought, she stopped moving. 

However, her licking her lips and leering up at him really wasn't quite the reaction he expected from someone who had just been threatened.

"Stay back."

A glazed look filled her eyes. "My Lordie, you're sexy..."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Buh..."

Clearly the creature was quite insane.

He took the chance, while she seemed to be pacified, to look her over.

The clothes she wore were...well, they did not look like anything he had ever seen before, at least not adorning the body of one of their 'kind'.

"What is that piece of scrap you are wearing?"

The girl blinked several times, as if processing the question. She looked like she was contemplating leaping in his direction, so he took a step back and held his wand at arm's length. "What? Wearing? Er... would you prefer it if I didn't have it on?"

"I would prefer it," he said coldly. "If you would answer my question."

"Of course! Yes, sir! Right away! Answer the...are those leather gloves? I mean, if they are, they're very..." The raising of an eyebrow achieved the necessary end of cutting off her train of babble. "Right! Question! They're robes!" 

She struck what he assumed was meant to be a provocative pose, a hand behind her head, her lips stuck out in a pout. On the whole, she looked utterly absurd, especially considering the scraps of parchment and rubbish clinging to her hair and clothing.

"Robes?"

"Uh-huh! I made them myself!"

Malfoy's nostrils flared in irritation. "A dyed bathrobe," he muttered in disbelief, his expression hardening. "And how," he asked coolly. "Did a muggle manage to find it's way into Knockturn Alley?"

"Knockturn Alley?" Blue eyes lit up. "Cool!"

Lucius merely arched a brow, which had the unfortunate side-effect of making the girl giggle incessantly. "Silence!"

"Um...sorry...you...sexy eyebrow..."

"Answer the question, muggle."

"Magic?" she suggested, shrugging.

"Magic. Of course," he said dryly. "A muggle magically appears in Knockturn Alley. I am sure that is an everyday occurrence where you exist. Now, though, while I can say it has been... surreal meeting you, _Avada_..."

"HEY!!"

Lucius paused. "You have something to say?"

"Just a little!" she squealed indignantly. "You're not meant to try and kill me! I'm a self-insertion, dammit! You're meant to fall madly in love with me because of my stunning good looks!"

"_What_ stunning good looks?" he sneered.

The girl scowled at him. "That was just mean."

"One moment, muggle," he said, suddenly realising something. "How did you know I intended to kill you?"

"Hello? Avada kedavra? El Killingo Curso? What? Do I look bloody thick?"

Lucius refrained from answering, while trying to process this information. One, there was a muggle in Knockturn Alley. Two, the muggle claimed to have used magic to enter, which was impossible. Three, she knew the killing curse.

"So...have you worked out that I'm not your average muggle yet?"

Malfoy studied her, wondering if it was wise to lower his guard.

"Okay. That would be a big yes...so...are you ready to fall madly in love with me? I mean, it's in the rules. You meet a self-insertion and you fall in love with them and they change their name to Mary-Sue. Everyone knows that!"

"What are you talking about? Self-insertion? Is this some kind of perverse muggle mating ritual?"

A wide grin crossed the girl's face. "It can be, if you want," she replied, giving him what he assumed was meant to be a coy, flirtatious look. It only succeeded in making her look like she had a tick in her eye.

"What I want," he replied coldly. "Is an answer."

The girl pouted. "But this isn't how I imagined it...kinky bondage and interrogation, yes, but this...you're not doing it right!"

"Answer. Now."

Glaring at him, the girl crossed her arms. "I came her through my computer. I made it this way. I'm inserting myself into your storyline and you're meant to go all smooth and seductive and shag me up against the nearest wall!"

"Com-pew-tar?"

"And you're meant to be one of the wizarding elite, Lucius?" she snorted. "How the hell do you live without the internet?" One of her boot-clad feet tapped. "So..." 

She looked up at him from beneath her dark eyelashes. On the average person, or on Narcissa, it would probably have looked seductive. On her, she looked like she was having trouble focussing on something and was being forced to squint.

"Now, perhaps you might elaborate on what you mean by storyline?"

"Eep!"

He narrowed his eyes at her, in a way that was part warning, part threat.

"I can't! You're not meant to know! I just put myself in to do the sex thing!"

"You brought yourself into my world with the intention of having a sexual encounter with people from my world?"

"No."

"Oh?"

"Just you." She beamed at him. "You're sexy."

"You are aware who I am?"

She drew a deep breath. "You are Lucius Malfoy, husband of Narcissa, father of Draco, which - if you don't mind me saying is a cute, but bloody awful name to give a helpless child. You're the latest in a long line of Malfoys, all of whom were in Slytherin at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and you don't mind the rumours that abound that you might be related to Slytherin himself, although everyone knows that can't be true since Tom Riddle was the only Heir of Slytherin and just thinking about that, it does kind of suggest that the Slytherin family were a little sparse on the gene-spreading and..." She paused, took another breath and continued, Lucius Malfoy staring at her incredulously. "And, getting back to you, you were a Death Eater in Voldemort's first reign, which is why you're about to go and plant his diary in an innocent child's hands, and since he's due to come back in a couple of years, you'll be doing the Death Eater thing again. You're on the board of Governors at Hogwarts and despise the way Dumbledore runs things. You get away with everything because your name is so old, which is the reason you didn't end up in Azkaban, although I think the jury is still out on whether you actually seduced Cornelius Fudge in order to have some blackmail leverage on him, to keep yourself out of trouble." She gave him a cheerful grin. "Will I stop now?"

"Please do," Lucius said, looking a little nauseated at the thought of seducing Fudge.

"So..." Blue eyes were directed at him hopefully. "Can I bonk you?"

"Are you completely insane?"

She shrugged. "So I've been told."

"And you are aware that I am a married, muggle-hating Death Eater?"

"I said it, didn't I?" She took a step towards him and his wand was raised again, far too quickly. "Ooooh...if you're that quick with your wand, can't wait to see what you can do with your...other wand."

"I am married, muggle. I have no interest in a piece of filth like you."

The muggle sighed. "Damn. So much for the UST with Harry, then...are you sure you don't want to shag Harry Potter, if you don't want to do me?"

"WHAT!?!"

"Didn't think so..." she sighed. "So...can I follow you, then?"

"Follow...me?"

A leer crossed her face. "Hell, yeah..." Her eyes scanned up and down his robed body. "I wouldn't get in the way. Just sit and stare..."

Lucius Malfoy started backing away, glancing behind him to make sure that there would be no witnesses present as he cast the killing curse. 

That was the moment of weakness she was looking for.

Malfoy yelled in dismay as he stumbled back and fell against the wall, the brown-haired muggle's arms and legs locked around his legs to prevent him from fleeing as she stared up at him, a manic grin on her face. Somehow, she had managed to jerk his wand from his hand and thrown it across the alleyway.

"Gotcha!"

"Get off!" He smacked at her head with his cane.

"Not a chance!" 

"HELP! MURDER!"

The muggle cackled. "How the mighty have fallen!"

"HELP! SOMEONE! For the love of anyone HELP!" Hopping backwards and dragging her with him, he could have cried with relief when he heard a wonderfully familiar voice.

"Well, well, Malfoy..."

"Omigawd..." the garbled squeak came from the muggle.

"Stupefy her! Quick!" Lucius yelled desperately at Snape. "She disarmed me and wants to have sex with me!"

"And this is bad because...?"

"Just get her off me, damnit, Severus!"

Severus Snape, his lips twitching with the threat of a smirk, looked down at the harmless-looking female with her arms around Malfoy's knees. Blue eyes blinked up at him from behind glasses.

She looked harmless.

And she was staring at him in a rather...frightening fashion.

"Snapey..." she gurgled. "In black robes...and nummy..."

"Oh dear god..." Snape back-stepped instinctively. "It's one of _them_!"

"Them?" Lucius was trying to lever the girl's arms away from him with his cane.

Severus Snape looked as terrified as Lucius Malfoy had ever seen him. "Surely you've heard of such a thing," he whispered, withdrawing his wand and directing it at the girl. "A creature known as a selfinsertia!"

"Wonderful! We know what it is!" Lucius yelled. "Now, do something!"

Snape's expression shifted slightly. He grinned nastily at Lucius. "Actually, Lucius, I don't think I will," he replied. "After all, you seem to be...ah...on top of the situation, at present..."

"Severus..."

"Good bye, Lucius."

"If this is about me tipping that cauldron of potion over you head when you were in second year, it wasn't my fault!" Lucius grabbed his arm. "Please, Severus! Help me... just this once..."

With a sigh of a martyr, Snape pointed his wand at the girl, who squeaked in panic and tightened her grip on Lucius' legs. "_Expelliarmus_!"

She was blasted backwards down the alley.

Neither of the wizards seemed to expect the delighted squeal of "Wheeeeeeee!" as she hurtled through the air. 

Even though she hit the far wall of the alleyway with considerable force, she seemed to stagger to her feet with remarkable speed and Lucius looked wildly at Snape, who had retrieved the blond wizard's wand for him.

"What now?"

"Now?" Severus looked at him. "Now, we run."

"Run?"

Snape nodded. "Get her into a public place."

"But where?"

By the time Lucius Malfoy had asked the question, Snape had already fled out of the narrow passage, into Knockturn Alley and was making a beeline towards the staircase that lead up into Diagon Alley.

"Wait for meeeeee!" the selfinsertia wailed pathetically, as Lucius took the cue and sped after him, robes flapping around his legs.

Yanked into a side passage by Severus as he ran past it, they both held their breath as the thing ran past, squealing their names and giggling like a lunatic.

"What the devil was that?" Lucius panted.

"Like I said," Snape answered, equally breathless. "A selfinsertia."

"But what…?"

Snape gave Malfoy irritated look. "You never did pay attention in Defence Against the Dark Arts, did you? There are some things that even Dark Lords can not contend with and a selfinsertia is one of those things."

"What does it do?"

A black brow rose. "She was practically humping your leg, Malfoy. Think about it."

There was a moment of silence. "Do they happen to everyone?"

"Quite often, yes," Snape replied, scanning around the alley for an escape route. "As far as we know, there is only one way to destroy them."

"And that is…?"

"Overexposure to our world. Most of them can cope with small amounts of it, as this one seemed to cope with seeing you and I. However, she was becoming increasingly hyperactive and stands out more than ever as she moves further into our world, suggesting she is a harmless variant of the creature."

"If she is harmless, I would rather avoid a powerful one."

"As would we all," Snape agreed, shuddering violently. "If a selfinsertia is a bad one, then the balance of the world may shift entirely to encompass their vision of how things ought to be."

"So leading her into the middle of our world would…destroy her?"

"In essence, she would simply fade out of our reality and return to her own world, feeling that she has just experienced a rather pleasant fantasy."

Lucius opened his mouth to ask a question, but Snape held up a hand quickly, both of them freezing and pressing back against the wall as they saw the creature bounce past in the opposite direction, giggling loudly.

As soon as she was passed, Snape ran faster than any man in long black robes should have been able to.

At the top of the passage that lead into Diagon Alley, Lucius saw Snape dart off in one direction and decided that now would be a good time to find Draco at the book shop and, hopefully, shake off the...creature.

He could hear her futile shouts behind him and pushed his way through the crowd, sneering imperiously at them, hoping no one would notice he was actually running away from something.

There it was!

The muggle's cries were growing fainter and less frenzied. Malfoy risked a quick glance back to see her shambling to a slow trot, staring around Diagon Alley with awe on her face. 

A look of bliss crossed her face and she keeled over and, to the shock of many of the passers-by, as soon as she hit the ground, she seemed to vanish.

How very odd.

But, she was gone and that...well, that was a definite positive.

Straightening his robes and smoothing his hair, he glanced into the bookshop, where Draco appeared to be facing off against a small band of red-haired children and a dark-haired boy and brown-haired girl.

Ah...

This would be the famous Harry Potter, then.

Drawing an arrogant smirk onto his face, he opened the door and stepped in, tapping Draco on the shoulder with his cane. "Now, now, Draco," he murmured, grateful to be in a situation that was under his control. "Play nicely."


End file.
